There is a Zambian Man We Have Forgotten
I imagine life becomes a complex maze to navigate for a man who has to return to Zambia after his life and work in the diaspora have been abruptly cut short. This can be anyone from a diplomat recalled by the government, a man whose contract has not been renewed, deported or forced out like a few from South Africa in recent weeks.
Nobody talks about how difficult it is mentally for the man who has to come back to start all over again, most times under the microscope of his partner, children, friends and family.
Some men return with a heavy foreign accent, some with a lifetime of professional experience, others with just the clothes on their backs. Whatever the case, a man who permanently returns from the diaspora has to swallow litres of pride to survive.
And that’s where we have failed to provide space and consideration for each other as men. The first thing in adapting and maintaining wellness is to accept that you’re back home.
Telling the story that you’re around for a few weeks will only hold true for a few weeks. Eventually, you start to avoid family, friends, events and even a simple walk or jog because, “You’re still around?” is a question you don’t want to answer or have an answer for.
A lot of men refuse to adjust to this new reality. There are men who have returned from outside the country and had to squat their entire family with a sibling or parent. Not that anything is wrong with that, but the readjustment siphons their dignity every single morning.
Then there’s the circle of friends who you will want to catch up with upon your return. You will regal them with stories about London, Atlanta or Joburg. But you’ll eventually feel you’re constantly playing catch up because while you’re trying to figure out where you fit in, they’re settled into their routines with their families, work or businesses, weekend routines.
At the heart of a man struggling with his self-worth or mental health is the fact that men do not build communities around one another. It is why a Zambian man who has lived in Europe for decades will return and find himself associating better with men in Kalingalinga more than those in Kabulonga.
It’s because we gravitate towards each other over cars, football teams, women, politics and everything but how we feel, what we’re going through and our fears.
It is why a man who is back in Zambia cannot settle into business or a job because at every table he sits with friends and family, everybody is doing fine. He would be ruining the mood to ask for help with a job or contract.
In reality, a man returning from the diaspora will find that the isolation and loneliness in Moscow is as biting as the one in Lusaka or Kitwe. But it is the sting of returning and discovering that friends have moved on and family was family when you were far away.
The sad reality of men these days. It’s that we have to build in public what broke us in private.
