Why We Stop Talking. 

In our sunset years, sometimes sooner, we stop talking. We only offer an opinion when it is asked of us. We take action only when we are called upon. As we get older, it dawns on us that masculinity is invisible until it’s needed. 

Look at how the older, unfashionable men come through in times of crisis or celebration. They have fuel in their 1997 Toyota Hilux while the young, sophisticated one can barely drive back from the wedding or funeral in his 2024 Ford Ranger. Guess who talks the most.

Or how they’re quiet during heated family or community discussions until they’re asked for an opinion. One that tends to unlock the sticking point of what to do.

Not because they don’t like driving past toll gates or for a sight seeing tour of people’s plots and houses down Kasama, Kafue or Great East Road. Their restraint and subtle way of life is the result of many years being invisible as a man.

You see, men are generally unseen in their roles for the little things that are the sum of who they are. Theirs is not a role that is recognised on a daily basis. Our recognition is occasional.

Do not be mistaken. Men do not need validation. What they do need is a once in a while visit by the people they love to the asylum of their thoughts, fears, joys and dreams.

But many of you are learning, sometimes too late in life, that masculinity is invisible until it’s needed to be invincible.

When there’s a child that is going wayward in the family or community, it’s the quiet, unregarded and measured man that is suddenly visible to everybody as a solution. 

Or when there’s a loud noise in the yard, it’s the invisible man that isn’t thanked for locking up the doors and gate that must check what’s happening or who’s there. 

We are not seen for the homes we secure every night, the wars we go to, school or university fees we pay, problematic electricians and mechanics we have to deal with. All this is generally invisible until it’s needed. And so it becomes our default to go about our role quietly. 

We don’t stop talking because we’re avoidant of conversation or confrontation. We stop talking because we’ll show up when we’re needed, asked to speak or take action. We develop this mechanism to adjust to masculinity’s anonymity.

Masculinty is not allowed a bout of bemusement. It must recognise new nails, a new hairdo, acknowledge a tasty meal, remember an errand, anniversary, birthday. 

What does society remember or take note of us on a daily basis? Nothing. We’re built for the big things. Walking our daughters down the aisle, paying the big bills, breaking up a fight, leading and providing. Not your fresh new haircut.When we’re not doing this, we’re invisible. We’re silent. And that’s why we stop talking.